Faceless

If you are a friend of mine on Facebook you may have noticed something. We’re not friends any more. It’s not personal and it’s likely temporary. I deactivated my account. I know it’s unheard of right? It was not something I planned. I went looking for the privacy settings and I saw the link to deactivate. I was drawn to the link. Could not resist. So I clicked.

It’s been a week or so now and I have found it very freeing. No more feeling like my life is out there for everyone to look at but not touch. If you want to know what is going in my life just ask me! I will miss seeing pictures but not status updates like, “I’m tired.”

Just wanted you to know.

The old man, the cat, and the spider.

I noticed this before. Months and months ago. One of the townhouses on my street left the garage door open about 6 inches at the bottom. I assumed it was for a cat. After all, in every other place I have lived that would be the case. Maybe it is. But today I doubted my assumption. As I turned my car onto my street, air conditioning blasting in the 90+ degree heat, I saw upwards of 5 houses with their garage doors “cracked.” Huh. Did everyone get a cat recently? Is a cat the traditional Independence Day gift in the south for old folk? No…I didn’t think so.

It’s hot. Our garages are not heated or cooled. Therefore, when it is 90 degrees outside, our garages are about 190 degrees. The old men and women are cooling off their garages, not their cats. Brilliant. Maybe I should do the same.

This weekend I performed some maintenance in my garage. I vacuumed up the leaves and dirt and dead bugs and spiders. Then I went back in for more spiders and the spiders that had died in the webs of the spiders that were still alive. I shuddered.

I’m shuddering now.

I was wearing gloves and armed with poison and a Shop Vac AND a Dyson. Really Eme Ashe? WTF? (Oh yeah, we all know what that stands for.) Since when is my tough, independent ass terrified of bugs and spiders, especially when I am 1000x their size and covered and armed with multiple weapons. I mean really. Jeez.

Can I say one little thing that independent, single women are not supposed to say? Just one. If I had a man in my life he would be killing the spiders. Or at least standing next to me, cheering me on, while I did the dirty work. Sometimes, sometimes, I think, “It’s not fair. I don’t want to do this all on my own. Kill spiders, buy a house, live this life.” And then the moment passes. But sometimes that moment lingers. Or returns. And I realize, I’m human. And old. And alone. And I just have to allow myself to be human. And old. And alone.

Then the lingering moment passes. And I kill a spider. And buy a house. And a grill. And maybe a dog. And then…well, I’ll probably kill more spiders until I find someone to kill them for me. Or with me. Then we’ll grow old together. And air out our garage, all the while wondering how the neighborhood cats keep getting into our house. Hey, at least the cats will start killing the spiders.

I don't care if they eat bugs

UPDATE: Look closely at the picture and you'll see...I was wrong. The blob of brownness was actually prey. Dead prey. The two legs above it, sticking out of my wall...those belong to the spider. THE SPIDER. I finally sprayed him with my poison. The sucker was fast. He survived and returned. I sprayed him with half the bottle, sprayed his prey, sprayed the web. And prayed for myself, not the prey. I think I got him. I actually think he is dead in his web next to his prey. I'm not sure but I haven't seen him since I attacked.

By the way...a mean, sarcastic, "thanks," to everyone who offered to assist.


Um...I'm going to need someone to come over and do something about this. Do you see this? This fortress? Do you see that huge black blob in the middle? Yeah. That's what it looks like. On my porch. Living in a fortress.

Any takers? Bring your shovel or something.


In other news, on Sunday I successfully showered with a spider and didn't kill it. That's progress. It's 2 steps forward and 6 steps back.

Through thick and thin

You know, I have a lot of things I should post and pictures I should share but right at this moment that seems like a lot of effort. It is storming outside and I'm enjoying winding down from a whirlwind trip to Pittsburgh over this holiday weekend. There is nothing like a severe thunderstorm to really get my brain relaxed and active simultaneously.

It's kind of ironic I know, but everytime it rains, like really rains, I think how happy I am to be back on the east coast. This rain is different from the rain in Seattle. It is thick. Oh sure, it pours in Seattle but that rain is thin and says, "Ha ha, you're getting soaked and it's gray and cold and this. is. your. life." Asheville rain, and really all east coast rain is thick and says, "You feel something don't you? Well, work on that because soon there will be sun and you'll have other things to think about."

So that's what I'm doing. Thinking. The thunder and lightening and rain are pummeling my neighborhood. For awhile I sat in the back of my hatchback in the garage and just watched the rain. Then I started doing that thinking thing. How could I not? East coast rain is why I wrote stories and poetry and analyzed every thought, action, and feeling from age 12 - 25. Today I started thinking about myself. (I am human after all and horribly selfish.) Things I like about myself and things I don't. How I feel about myself and how I want to feel about myself. You know, things you can only think about in a thick rain.

The thought that took me from my car to my laptop was this, "Life in Asheville is good but not great. And thank goodness for that." It is good. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now. And strangely, I am thankful that it is not great. If it was great there would be nowhere for life to go over the next 5, 10, 15 years. Someday it will be great. I am sure of that. Today, I happy with a good life full of potential to be even better.

Now, who do I want to be in this good, soon to be great, life? I'm good. I'm not great. Oh man. I hope it continues to rain for awhile...