I alluded to some less than pleasant happenings recently. I feel like it is time to share the news with the internet. Let it be known that I do not want to talk about it. Did you hear me? I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. How can I live in denial if I have to discuss reality.
Have you been reading this blog and thinking, "Wow, Eme Ashe wanted to move to Asheville, didn't want to leave her job, and everything worked out amazingly well." I can see why you would think that. For those of you who think you know me well, were you thinking, "Eme Ashe is usually too pessimistic for life to work out so well. She doesn't really want to be happy."
Hey guess what? I was right. It was all too good to be true. My brother is packing up his family and moving them to San Francisco. When? As soon as his house that is now 4 hours away from me sells. He is already 3,000 miles away. No, I'm not kidding. No, it's not funny. Yes, I am heart broken.
Let's be clear. This is good for him and his family. This is good. This is what it means to pursue your career and take care of your family. He has done nothing wrong and I love him and want him to be happy and enjoy the west coast because it is amazing.
BUT, this blog is about me. I learned this news in early September and it silenced me, in case you were wondering why September was strangely quiet. So look, here is my heart. It's not just that he is moving. It's the feeling I have carried with me for so many years. The feeling of, "I can't feel happy because it's not real. It won't last. Sadness is waiting." I have a lot of friends who have a lot of opinions about my view of life and my prevailing affect. You can think whatever you want but here is the truth - things don't work out for me and my heart hurts because of that. Sure, I have some nice stuff, I have a good job, I am healthy, and there is A LOT I can put in my "pro" column of life. But come on, things don't happen easy for me and I feel every twist and turn of life very deeply, whether you would know it or not.
I'm a little lonely, I'm a little lost, and I felt like I couldn't be real on this blog until I spoke the truth. My heart hurts and I don't know how it is going to stop hurting but I know it will. Eventually. This is a setback, that's all. The sun has to rise for me soon right? I am east now after all.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
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5 comments:
I'm sure your friends have given you lots of unsolicited advice about your life view, so I won't. Well, maybe one teeny tiny tidbit (my apologies for the unsolicitedness of it) - you CAN change the way things happen to you. Watch "The Secret". I've learned way more about this stuff over the last few years, but an hour and a half DVD is a good place to get an overview.
Hoping everything else is going well in NC. xoxo
Asheville is sunny and still warmish and so pretty! I keep waiting for it to get cold and rainy and then I have to remind myself that I live in NORTH CAROLINA now. It is south. It is warm. It has sun. It is a new chapter with new weather to go along with it.
Also, no, brother did not know this was coming. It all happened very quickly. If it had been a movie, there would have been a split screen shot of me driving east across the country and him flying west across the country for an interview with some awesome indie music playing.
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