Breaking up with the break-up

Have you ever been in a relationship a LITTLE too long? By the time you actually break up you realize it's too late. You waited too long. You've already started hating everything about each other that you once loved. Being "just friends" is suddenly not even a remote possibility. Sometimes, breaking up with that break-up ends up being even more difficult than the actual break-up. I've ended my relationship with Seattle. Even though we stayed together a little too long, I can't seem to just end it completely. I need to break up with the break-up.

The things that I thought would be difficult are easy and vice-versa. For example, watching the Seahawks play or watching Grey's Anatomy, as the camera pans the Sound or shows the rain falling while everyone is drinking coffee. Even if that is not what is on the screen, that is what I see. It's a whole world that while completely familiar, seems a lifetime away. It should be difficult to watch, but it's not. It is strangely comforting. On the other hand, what should be easy is actually difficult. My computer is hindering my break-up's break-up. All of my bookmarks are still set to my Seattle life. Hey, so what if I want to read www.seattletimes.com to get my daily, National news fix? So what if www.komonews.com shows me the happenings in and around the Puget Sound area? I like reading www.myballard.com. It captures my old neighborhood...that I actually hated...that I read about for a year while I was in my apartment...hating my life.

Ooooohhhhh.

I see. Holding on to these informative websites and my patterns of reading them is holding me back from say, www.citizen-times.com and all of those other Asheville related websites I have listed under "Things to Read." I need to move on. I need to break up with this break-up. I need to let it go.

A few lines from a movie have been going through my head for the past month or so. You think you know me well? Do ya? What movie is it then? Huh? Well, it's Top Gun. OF COURSE. Maverick loses Goose. He goes back up in the air but he won't engage. HE WON'T ENGAGE. That is how I feel. I'm here, I'm in Asheville, I am broken up with Seattle but I just cannot engage in my new relationship. Yet. Here is how I feel. Maverick said it best.

"I WILL FIRE WHEN I AM GOD DAMN GOOD AND READY. YOU GOT THAT?"

Thanks Maverick. I love you. I will break up with this break-up in my own time. When I am ready. Good and ready. God damn good and ready.

(Um, does anyone want to come over tomorrow and watch Top Gun? Bring the DVD please. And no, you won't be getting it back.)

Stability and then some

Today I walked around my place drinking my second cup of coffee and had a strange feeling of stability. Like, real, honest to goodness, things-are-stable-I-have-a-job-and-a-great-place-in-the-mountains-in-a-cool-city-and-the-world-is-my-oyster-again feeling of stability. I'm not completely unpacked, I am missing a lot of furniture, I can't afford to buy said furniture, my place doesn't feel like home yet, and it wasn't the best cup of coffee I've ever had, but man, I felt stable. I feel stable. Sort of. I mean, I have yet to meet many new people, I don't feel like leaving home much yet, I am still adjusting to my new job and working at home, and I have times of loneliness and sadness BUT I'm stable.

I don't think I've ever felt this way. Last year I was waiting and waiting for things to change. For the past 10 years I have been trying to figure out my life plan, the direction I want my life to go, and most importantly, what comes next. Well, there is no next. There is no plan stirring about in my head right now. I'm here, this is it. Oh sure, I would be shocked if I lived in this townhouse forever and worked this job forever. I know things will change at some point but right now, gosh darn it, I am stable.

In the spirit of my new feeling of stability, I Googled, "Job Stability Cartoon." This was my favorite search result. Now, this is not an accurate reflection of my daily job performance. However, I have had less productive days where I have accomplished pretty much exactly what is in this picture. Of course, not now that I am stable and all.

Sighs Matters

A sigh is an interesting expression because it is very demonstrative of emotion yet says little. There is always a why behind the sigh. The past few days I have had a lot of sighs with pretty strong whys behind them.

Exasperation: I have sighed several times yesterday and today in exasperation. My place is perfect, my home office is perfect, everything is perfect. Except...a neighbor about 100 feet away apparently loves home projects that involve power saws and hammering. My office window faces that direction and I can't hold interviews with a power saw in the background. So, I have to close my window. Ok, that might be a stretch for exasperation but it's a bit of a nuisance.

Relief: Speaking of my home office, I am breathing a sigh of relief because I get to keep it! Even in the midst of more organizational change, I am apparently just valuable enough not to let go of. Whew! I have a job that I'm starting to get good at and that I'm starting to really like.

Sweetness: You've never heard of a sigh of sweetness? When my niece put her arms around me this weekend in a big hug and said, "I love you so, so much Aunt Eme Ashe," I had a sigh of sweetness. She is sweet, which means someone is being sweet to her, and that makes her loving hug even sweeter. Aw.

Sadness: Sure, I've had a sigh or two of sadness, as I've mentioned. But peace and understanding usually follow sadness so I'm not going to dwell on that kind of sigh for long.

Awe: Have you ever had a sigh of awe? I almost always do when it comes to the weather. Yesterday I woke up to a tornado watch and a strong thunderstorm. I opened the blinds, pulled up the covers and sighed in awe as I watched the storm blow through. It was a nice way to start the week.

Content: I spent some time in Blacksburg last weekend with the family. It was a nice time and the drive "home" was rather pretty. I'm sure I sighed once or twice with content as I tried to take pictures and drive at the same time. It was worth it though!

Hello beautiful

Tuesday was a rough day. I wasn't being productive at work and I couldn't figure out why. I slouched down in my desk chair and I realized I was almost a foot below my keyboard. I was sitting on my REI camp chair with two pillows to prop myself up higher. What was I waiting for? Why would the future be a better time than the present to invest in an actual office chair? My friend offered me one but it wasn't my first choice of a home for my butt 8 - 9 hours a day. I decided to scope out my brother's house to see what chairs might be up for grabs there. My answer was either none or one very uncomfortable looking chair.

Tuesday night I was done. I left work early, got in the car, and drove to Office Depot in a blind, chair buying rage. I sat in about 12, then found one almost exactly matching the vision I had for my future chair. I did leave to check out the competition then returned and said, "wrap it up!" Couponless I went to the front excited to make my purchase.

Me: "Hey, so, you don't have any coupons back there do ya?"

Sales guy: "Huh, wha, no I don't have any coupons."

Me: "What about this one for THIRTY DOLLARS off?" I asked as I held up the flyer sitting between me and the sales guy.

Sales guy: "Let's try it!"

Voila! I saved thirty bucks on my spontaneous purchase. So far so good chair. I can now be comfortable and productive at work and I have a grown up chair. The lesson learned here was - sometimes you just have to take action.

Welcome to the family chair!

The bad stuff

I alluded to some less than pleasant happenings recently. I feel like it is time to share the news with the internet. Let it be known that I do not want to talk about it. Did you hear me? I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. How can I live in denial if I have to discuss reality.

Have you been reading this blog and thinking, "Wow, Eme Ashe wanted to move to Asheville, didn't want to leave her job, and everything worked out amazingly well." I can see why you would think that. For those of you who think you know me well, were you thinking, "Eme Ashe is usually too pessimistic for life to work out so well. She doesn't really want to be happy."

Hey guess what? I was right. It was all too good to be true. My brother is packing up his family and moving them to San Francisco. When? As soon as his house that is now 4 hours away from me sells. He is already 3,000 miles away. No, I'm not kidding. No, it's not funny. Yes, I am heart broken.

Let's be clear. This is good for him and his family. This is good. This is what it means to pursue your career and take care of your family. He has done nothing wrong and I love him and want him to be happy and enjoy the west coast because it is amazing.

BUT, this blog is about me. I learned this news in early September and it silenced me, in case you were wondering why September was strangely quiet. So look, here is my heart. It's not just that he is moving. It's the feeling I have carried with me for so many years. The feeling of, "I can't feel happy because it's not real. It won't last. Sadness is waiting." I have a lot of friends who have a lot of opinions about my view of life and my prevailing affect. You can think whatever you want but here is the truth - things don't work out for me and my heart hurts because of that. Sure, I have some nice stuff, I have a good job, I am healthy, and there is A LOT I can put in my "pro" column of life. But come on, things don't happen easy for me and I feel every twist and turn of life very deeply, whether you would know it or not.

I'm a little lonely, I'm a little lost, and I felt like I couldn't be real on this blog until I spoke the truth. My heart hurts and I don't know how it is going to stop hurting but I know it will. Eventually. This is a setback, that's all. The sun has to rise for me soon right? I am east now after all.

The bug count has started

Spiders killed = 1
Flies killed = 1
Moths killed = 1

The spider killing was intentional. It crawled along my bright, white floors without a chance of being concealed by fabric or paint of a similar color. For some reason, instead of just smashing it, I resorted to poisoning. Only after it was writhing in poison induced pain did I crush it with a shoe. I am a horrible person.

The fly was an accident. I saw it flying around the room and shooed it away a few times, forgetting about it as I went upstairs. Later in the day I discovered it laying flat on its back in the middle of the floor. "What happened to the fly?" I wondered. It soon became apparent. The fly had landed in the puddle of poison used to kill the spider only hours before. Oops.

The moth I chased around the room with poison and a shoe. Got him! Mr. Moth scared me this morning, masquerading as a wasp, bouncing around between my mini-blinds and my window pane, causing all kinds of racket.

Have I mentioned I don't like bugs? Apparently Seattle is having a HUGE infestation of HUGE spiders this year. The scientists say there aren't more of them and they aren't bigger. They are just all men with their libidos going crazy out prowling for chicks at the same time. My Facebook Friends have been voicing their trauma and pain. All I can say is, thank goodness I moved away when I did.

I'll try to be more tolerant of these Asheville bugs. They are, after all, not HUGE spiders that could and would eat me alive.

Shh!

I am feeling a little under the weather this weekend and spent most of my time at home, which was actually rather nice. I had a lot of time to think about my new place and my old place actually. I've always been someone who wants more or more accurately, wants something different. I don't think I'm never happy or never satisfied, but I do feel like I'm always searching for what comes next. All that to say that I know I whined about my old apartment and I know it affected my quality of life but what I don't know is how much of that was my fault. Was I just complaining? Was it really that bad? Was I really so unhappy? Was it the apartment's fault or mine?

I probably made it worse on my psyche than it needed to be but I didn't realize its full effect on me until today. I awoke early with the sniffles and checked the time. All last year it was very difficult for me to relax on the weekends. The first thing I did when I woke up was check the time. I knew someone would start doing laundry by 10, or break the rules and start early. My apartment would shake, doors would slam, it was awful. This happened almost every single Saturday and Sunday. In the rare instance someone did not do laundry immediately in the morning, I felt tense as I lay in bed, waiting for the washer to start.

That is just one example. Today I realized that I could relax. My wall was not about to start shaking. I was not about to hear doors slamming and people talking as they clomped down the hallway. The elevator was not going to 'ding' over and over as people left for their days, probably after starting their laundry. A bus was not going to by. People standing outside the bar across the street were not going to be loud as they smoked their cigarettes. All of those sounds that kept me tense and miserable for a year are gone.

So today, I laid in my bed, blowing my nose, and sleeping until almost noon. It was peaceful, restful, and quiet. I'm feeling better, my sniffles and my psyche. I can relax. I need to start settling in and realizing this place is mine for awhile. Welcome quiet. Welcome.

I'm in

Tomorrow is Thursday already. How did that happen? I have been living in Asheville since Saturday, though I don't feel like it is official yet. I'm moved in, partially unpacked, I have cable, internet, wireless internet, and a real phone line. Yet somehow it still doesn't feel real. How did I end up here? This city is a stranger to me. I feel like I just picked a random spot and moved and now I'm here. I know this is a well-thought out decision and if I can't remember how I got here, hey - I know, I will read this blog!

I am proud of myself. I made a decision to move, thought and planned for a year, patiently waited for my job situation to unfold, and now, here I am. I am also proud of myself for deciding on the type of place I wanted to rent and waiting until I found it. I felt myself caving a little bit at times, looking at apartments, trying to convince myself they would suffice. Thank goodness I was patient because I don't think I could have found a more perfect place. Seriously. Seriously, seriously. I am renting a townhouse/duplex that is about 5 years old and is about 3 times the size of my old apartment in Seattle. No shared walls. My own laundry. A garage. A pond. A lake. A loft for my home office. A fireplace. No yard maintenance. And a bunch of neighbors in the community that make me feel super duper young. I think I am the youngest person living here by about 30 years.

Some highlights from the week...if you can call them that. It may be too soon for highlights. Some items of note? Sure.

1. Did I mention I am wireless? I bought a new wireless router and now can wander all over the house blogging.
2. I met the "secretary" of the condo/townhome association I am renting in. She is about 150 years old and drives a sporty red Prius. She hates being secretary. She also told me to contact her if I had questions or wanted to hear the gossip. Awesome.
3. I took a walk down the street the other day and on my way back home another 150 year old lady let her dog out to bark loudly at me as she yelled from the front porch, "he won't bite!" Dude, clearly I am not going to go knocking on her door. Message received.
4. My friend took me to an excellent burger joint nearby. You know a burger and onion rings is going to be good when served in one of those plastic baskets and the 40 year old carpet is duct taped together. Delicious! I can't wait to go back.
5. Mom and Dad took me to Walmart on Saturday night. Yep. Walmart was pretty much my first outing...but I got a bunch of stuff including an awesome night light for the stairs! It's blue.

Soon I will post pictures and stories and pictures that tell stories. Hey, I'm wireless now. Anything is possible.

'Tis Asheville Eve

Months of blogging, talking, chatting, and teasing are about to come to an end. Tomorrow is it; I am finally moving to Asheville! Folks, I have been considering this for many years, very seriously for about one year. I am ready to start a new life, experience a new town, meet new people, and see the world from a different place. Thanks for sticking with me all these months, what with my whining and complaining and then blog neglecting. I appreciate it. You - I appreciate you - that's right, I said you!

The trailer is packed and my parents are poised and ready for a mini-road trip ending in manual labor. Those are some good parents. Tomorrow morning around ten I leave for Asheville, (OK, I get it - technically it's Weaverville). I am moving into an awesome place. I keep calling it my "apartment" but it is not an apartment, it is a townhouse. Yes, a townhouse. With a garage and a laundry/mud room, and two bedrooms, and a loft, and some other cool stuff. I will post pictures don't you worry.

I'm sure you're thinking to yourself something along the lines of, "What happens when Eme Ashe actually gets to Ashvegas? What happens to this blog? Will it get better or will it get worse? (Can it get worse?)" I think you will find this blog gets even better. It will be filled with new discoveries, new observations about new things, and fingers crossed, some seriously good times. The whining and waiting and self-loathing of my last Seattle Summer are over. It is time for the fun and flings of Asheville Autumn.

Stay tuned! My first 365 days in Asheville will be ones to remember and I promise to capture them here! The interim is no more.