I must have blinked

Sometimes I blink when I'm aggressively trying to hold back tears, (it doesn't work, by the way.) When dirt or a bug or an eyelash wedges itself between my eyeball and my contact lens you better believe I'm going to blink. More accurately, my eyelid will snap shut instinctively and I will be in massive amounts of pain. I will have to pry my eyelid open, remove my contact and attached filth, and then I will likely involuntarily shed a tear or two.

It's Monday. I'm not crying. I don't have anything in my eye, not even a contact lens yet. I woke up this morning thinking, "Where did the weekend go? I must have blinked and it is gone."

It was a stormy weekend here in the mountains. My plans to swim were thwarted but far be it from me to complain about a good round of thunderstorms. We had the kind of thunder that shakes the house and you can actually feel inside of your body. My brain released a smidgen of adrenaline on Sunday morning during one particularly loud "clap" of thunder. Fascinating.

Early this morning I awoke to yet another storm rolling through the mountains. Lightening brightened my room and the thunder seemed to last minutes. I wondered how many people could hear that thunder at the same time as it just kept continuously rumbling. A little more adrenaline. Was I scared? Did my body want me to be scared? Is that why I loved storms as a kid? Because of the feeling I had as a result of adrenaline?

Maybe.

Today is the start of a new work week. I have already had 4 phone calls and 20 emails. Questions and questions I have no answers to. I guess things don't change much when you are sleeping or listening to a storm or blinking. If things at work are not going to change or slow down (or magically get resolved) then I suppose I am going to have to adjust.

Huh. Adjust. Is there a hormone and neurotransmitter for that?

I didn't think so.

Oh thank the good Lord it's finally Friday

I really hope the people outside painting or doing yardwork or walking by or trying to break in cannot hear me singing along to my music. That would be embarrassing. Especially since I have my headphones in and all they would be able to hear is my squeaky voice and nothing else.

Oh my word, I am so glad it is Friday. My Monday - Friday is overwhelming these days. Comically overwhelming. Like, I've been looking at my inbox and chuckling. This morning I felt better. I had a good night of sleep and started tackling tasks as soon as I signed onto the VPN. Suddenly, I realized just how much work there is that I haven't even touched. And it's Friday. And my brain is tired. And I just can't spend another second looking at my inbox.

Right. So I'm taking a break to blog. Oh don't worry, I'm sure I'll be reviewing resumes all weekend and responding to emails on Sunday night. Hey, I'm important. I have 25 managers waiting on me and candidates on the edge of their seats waiting for my call. I matter. OH DEAR GOD, I MATTER. I have a real job with real responsibility. When did this happen? Awhile ago, I know, but some days it hits me just how many people my daily work can influence.

Ok, the grass mower guy is right outside my window and my house is shaking. I can't hear myself think so I'm turning up my music. And shutting the window. It smells like fresh cut grass, which also smells like 100 recently deceased stink bugs.

Have I mentioned I really need the weekend? Here is a comic to balance out this cranky post.

Tasty placebos

I laughed when I saw this. I'm such a psychology, scientific based evidence, double-blind research study, placebo effect nerd. The comic goes beautifully with the article I tweeted from CNN. Here is the article: http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/16/are-antidepressants-glorified-placebos/

The article is interesting and worth a read (assuming the link still works by the time this post is read.) I have always been fascinated by placebos because to me they represent the pure beauty of psychology. Behold, the power of the mind. We can trick our mind to trick our brain to trick our bodies.

I recently started taking a multi-vitamin again. I tend to go through phases with vitamins. More accurately, when the bottle runs out I forget to buy more, then the pattern breaks, and then my healthy vitamin taking behavior is all shot to hell. 4, 5, 6...(8?) weeks ago I got a scrap on my hand. I'm not even sure it bled - it was just some skin scraped away from the other skin. (I hope that detailed, scientific description is appreciated.) Anyway, it is still healing. It has left a scar. What? Ugh, my body is old. I decided I must need more vitamins and thus purchased a bottle of multi-vitamins.

Do they work? Are they placebos? Can I will my body to heal itself more quickly? Would I get the same results if I just ate an orange tic-tac everyday?

Mmm. Orange tic-tacs. That would be a tasty placebo.

Taking in the rain.

Sometimes I stop to take in a moment. You’ve seen it in other posts if you’ve read my blog somewhat. You’ve heard me say it if you’ve been with me at the right time. I should say it more often because this life is filled with moments. “Stop and take in the moment,” worthy moments.

This is one of them.

It’s raining. I’m catching up on email. I’m watching a show that touches my heart and my youth. I’m sipping wine. I’m listening to thunder. I’m watching for lightening, (because maybe I need to turn off the TV!) I muted the TV, set down my wine, reclined on the couch, and am now taking a moment.

It’s raining. It’s cool. The windows are open. All I can hear is the rain and my fingers clapping along my keyboard. That’s it. This is it. This right here is why I moved away from the big city, to hear the rain.

Looking up from my laptop screen really solidified the moment for me. I’m looking at an unfinished painting by a friend of mine. She insists it’s not finished but I love it. I named the girl in the painting Clara. She might never be finished but I love her just the same. Maybe she is me. Perpetually unfinished. In my direct gaze is also my end table. My eyes go directly to the tag that is still hanging. It’s been 9 months but I might return it. No? Ok, the truth is I forgot the tag was there and I have long been committed to my cheap end tables. It’s not about tags or price, it’s about purpose. They are holding up my lamps and occasionally my water glass. Sometimes my phone. They have purpose.

It’s still raining. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the beauty of a blog. Stream of consciousness. My stream. And you have to read it because you can’t not. And you just got to the end and you’re realizing, there is no purpose to this post. You’re right. There isn’t. Except, that maybe there is.

Look up. Look around. Right now. Enjoy the moment.

Needs

Song of the day...circa 1999

All around me I see what weakness has made
Too much tomorrow I think I'll take all today
Am I a poison, am I a thorn in the side?
Am I a picture perfect subject tonight?

And I don't need nobody
And I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
And I don't need nobody
And I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

Here I slumber to awaken my daze
Some find convenience in this savior I save
Am I a prison, am I a source of dire news?
Am I a picture perfect reason for you?

I don't need nobody
And I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
And I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

And in this time of substitute
It's my needs I've answered to, all the while
And all the hope that I invest
Turns to signals of distress, all the while

I don't need nobody
And I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
And I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

You're all I need
Yeah when the water runs deep
Yeah you're all I need
Now I cry my soul to sleep

You're all I need
You're all I need
You're all I need
You're all I need

"Needs"
Collective Soul