The Golden Years

I'm retiring Eme Ashe. Clearly. No, before she was just abandoned. Now, I am declaring full-fledged retirement.

She's not me anymore. She's done her job. She got me through. She's not my voice anymore.

Yes, I am referring to my blog as "she."

There is too much good stuff here to take 'er down so I'll leave Eme Ashe for all the world to see.

Thank you all for reading my blog and following my journey back east. A lot has happened in the past 3, 6, 12 months and I do want to find a place to blog about it all...but not here.

When I have a new blog that is ready to share I promise to let you know.

Enjoy retirement Eme. I've heard it's golden.

Faceless

If you are a friend of mine on Facebook you may have noticed something. We’re not friends any more. It’s not personal and it’s likely temporary. I deactivated my account. I know it’s unheard of right? It was not something I planned. I went looking for the privacy settings and I saw the link to deactivate. I was drawn to the link. Could not resist. So I clicked.

It’s been a week or so now and I have found it very freeing. No more feeling like my life is out there for everyone to look at but not touch. If you want to know what is going in my life just ask me! I will miss seeing pictures but not status updates like, “I’m tired.”

Just wanted you to know.

The old man, the cat, and the spider.

I noticed this before. Months and months ago. One of the townhouses on my street left the garage door open about 6 inches at the bottom. I assumed it was for a cat. After all, in every other place I have lived that would be the case. Maybe it is. But today I doubted my assumption. As I turned my car onto my street, air conditioning blasting in the 90+ degree heat, I saw upwards of 5 houses with their garage doors “cracked.” Huh. Did everyone get a cat recently? Is a cat the traditional Independence Day gift in the south for old folk? No…I didn’t think so.

It’s hot. Our garages are not heated or cooled. Therefore, when it is 90 degrees outside, our garages are about 190 degrees. The old men and women are cooling off their garages, not their cats. Brilliant. Maybe I should do the same.

This weekend I performed some maintenance in my garage. I vacuumed up the leaves and dirt and dead bugs and spiders. Then I went back in for more spiders and the spiders that had died in the webs of the spiders that were still alive. I shuddered.

I’m shuddering now.

I was wearing gloves and armed with poison and a Shop Vac AND a Dyson. Really Eme Ashe? WTF? (Oh yeah, we all know what that stands for.) Since when is my tough, independent ass terrified of bugs and spiders, especially when I am 1000x their size and covered and armed with multiple weapons. I mean really. Jeez.

Can I say one little thing that independent, single women are not supposed to say? Just one. If I had a man in my life he would be killing the spiders. Or at least standing next to me, cheering me on, while I did the dirty work. Sometimes, sometimes, I think, “It’s not fair. I don’t want to do this all on my own. Kill spiders, buy a house, live this life.” And then the moment passes. But sometimes that moment lingers. Or returns. And I realize, I’m human. And old. And alone. And I just have to allow myself to be human. And old. And alone.

Then the lingering moment passes. And I kill a spider. And buy a house. And a grill. And maybe a dog. And then…well, I’ll probably kill more spiders until I find someone to kill them for me. Or with me. Then we’ll grow old together. And air out our garage, all the while wondering how the neighborhood cats keep getting into our house. Hey, at least the cats will start killing the spiders.

I don't care if they eat bugs

UPDATE: Look closely at the picture and you'll see...I was wrong. The blob of brownness was actually prey. Dead prey. The two legs above it, sticking out of my wall...those belong to the spider. THE SPIDER. I finally sprayed him with my poison. The sucker was fast. He survived and returned. I sprayed him with half the bottle, sprayed his prey, sprayed the web. And prayed for myself, not the prey. I think I got him. I actually think he is dead in his web next to his prey. I'm not sure but I haven't seen him since I attacked.

By the way...a mean, sarcastic, "thanks," to everyone who offered to assist.


Um...I'm going to need someone to come over and do something about this. Do you see this? This fortress? Do you see that huge black blob in the middle? Yeah. That's what it looks like. On my porch. Living in a fortress.

Any takers? Bring your shovel or something.


In other news, on Sunday I successfully showered with a spider and didn't kill it. That's progress. It's 2 steps forward and 6 steps back.

Through thick and thin

You know, I have a lot of things I should post and pictures I should share but right at this moment that seems like a lot of effort. It is storming outside and I'm enjoying winding down from a whirlwind trip to Pittsburgh over this holiday weekend. There is nothing like a severe thunderstorm to really get my brain relaxed and active simultaneously.

It's kind of ironic I know, but everytime it rains, like really rains, I think how happy I am to be back on the east coast. This rain is different from the rain in Seattle. It is thick. Oh sure, it pours in Seattle but that rain is thin and says, "Ha ha, you're getting soaked and it's gray and cold and this. is. your. life." Asheville rain, and really all east coast rain is thick and says, "You feel something don't you? Well, work on that because soon there will be sun and you'll have other things to think about."

So that's what I'm doing. Thinking. The thunder and lightening and rain are pummeling my neighborhood. For awhile I sat in the back of my hatchback in the garage and just watched the rain. Then I started doing that thinking thing. How could I not? East coast rain is why I wrote stories and poetry and analyzed every thought, action, and feeling from age 12 - 25. Today I started thinking about myself. (I am human after all and horribly selfish.) Things I like about myself and things I don't. How I feel about myself and how I want to feel about myself. You know, things you can only think about in a thick rain.

The thought that took me from my car to my laptop was this, "Life in Asheville is good but not great. And thank goodness for that." It is good. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now. And strangely, I am thankful that it is not great. If it was great there would be nowhere for life to go over the next 5, 10, 15 years. Someday it will be great. I am sure of that. Today, I happy with a good life full of potential to be even better.

Now, who do I want to be in this good, soon to be great, life? I'm good. I'm not great. Oh man. I hope it continues to rain for awhile...

I must have blinked

Sometimes I blink when I'm aggressively trying to hold back tears, (it doesn't work, by the way.) When dirt or a bug or an eyelash wedges itself between my eyeball and my contact lens you better believe I'm going to blink. More accurately, my eyelid will snap shut instinctively and I will be in massive amounts of pain. I will have to pry my eyelid open, remove my contact and attached filth, and then I will likely involuntarily shed a tear or two.

It's Monday. I'm not crying. I don't have anything in my eye, not even a contact lens yet. I woke up this morning thinking, "Where did the weekend go? I must have blinked and it is gone."

It was a stormy weekend here in the mountains. My plans to swim were thwarted but far be it from me to complain about a good round of thunderstorms. We had the kind of thunder that shakes the house and you can actually feel inside of your body. My brain released a smidgen of adrenaline on Sunday morning during one particularly loud "clap" of thunder. Fascinating.

Early this morning I awoke to yet another storm rolling through the mountains. Lightening brightened my room and the thunder seemed to last minutes. I wondered how many people could hear that thunder at the same time as it just kept continuously rumbling. A little more adrenaline. Was I scared? Did my body want me to be scared? Is that why I loved storms as a kid? Because of the feeling I had as a result of adrenaline?

Maybe.

Today is the start of a new work week. I have already had 4 phone calls and 20 emails. Questions and questions I have no answers to. I guess things don't change much when you are sleeping or listening to a storm or blinking. If things at work are not going to change or slow down (or magically get resolved) then I suppose I am going to have to adjust.

Huh. Adjust. Is there a hormone and neurotransmitter for that?

I didn't think so.

Oh thank the good Lord it's finally Friday

I really hope the people outside painting or doing yardwork or walking by or trying to break in cannot hear me singing along to my music. That would be embarrassing. Especially since I have my headphones in and all they would be able to hear is my squeaky voice and nothing else.

Oh my word, I am so glad it is Friday. My Monday - Friday is overwhelming these days. Comically overwhelming. Like, I've been looking at my inbox and chuckling. This morning I felt better. I had a good night of sleep and started tackling tasks as soon as I signed onto the VPN. Suddenly, I realized just how much work there is that I haven't even touched. And it's Friday. And my brain is tired. And I just can't spend another second looking at my inbox.

Right. So I'm taking a break to blog. Oh don't worry, I'm sure I'll be reviewing resumes all weekend and responding to emails on Sunday night. Hey, I'm important. I have 25 managers waiting on me and candidates on the edge of their seats waiting for my call. I matter. OH DEAR GOD, I MATTER. I have a real job with real responsibility. When did this happen? Awhile ago, I know, but some days it hits me just how many people my daily work can influence.

Ok, the grass mower guy is right outside my window and my house is shaking. I can't hear myself think so I'm turning up my music. And shutting the window. It smells like fresh cut grass, which also smells like 100 recently deceased stink bugs.

Have I mentioned I really need the weekend? Here is a comic to balance out this cranky post.

Tasty placebos

I laughed when I saw this. I'm such a psychology, scientific based evidence, double-blind research study, placebo effect nerd. The comic goes beautifully with the article I tweeted from CNN. Here is the article: http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/16/are-antidepressants-glorified-placebos/

The article is interesting and worth a read (assuming the link still works by the time this post is read.) I have always been fascinated by placebos because to me they represent the pure beauty of psychology. Behold, the power of the mind. We can trick our mind to trick our brain to trick our bodies.

I recently started taking a multi-vitamin again. I tend to go through phases with vitamins. More accurately, when the bottle runs out I forget to buy more, then the pattern breaks, and then my healthy vitamin taking behavior is all shot to hell. 4, 5, 6...(8?) weeks ago I got a scrap on my hand. I'm not even sure it bled - it was just some skin scraped away from the other skin. (I hope that detailed, scientific description is appreciated.) Anyway, it is still healing. It has left a scar. What? Ugh, my body is old. I decided I must need more vitamins and thus purchased a bottle of multi-vitamins.

Do they work? Are they placebos? Can I will my body to heal itself more quickly? Would I get the same results if I just ate an orange tic-tac everyday?

Mmm. Orange tic-tacs. That would be a tasty placebo.

Taking in the rain.

Sometimes I stop to take in a moment. You’ve seen it in other posts if you’ve read my blog somewhat. You’ve heard me say it if you’ve been with me at the right time. I should say it more often because this life is filled with moments. “Stop and take in the moment,” worthy moments.

This is one of them.

It’s raining. I’m catching up on email. I’m watching a show that touches my heart and my youth. I’m sipping wine. I’m listening to thunder. I’m watching for lightening, (because maybe I need to turn off the TV!) I muted the TV, set down my wine, reclined on the couch, and am now taking a moment.

It’s raining. It’s cool. The windows are open. All I can hear is the rain and my fingers clapping along my keyboard. That’s it. This is it. This right here is why I moved away from the big city, to hear the rain.

Looking up from my laptop screen really solidified the moment for me. I’m looking at an unfinished painting by a friend of mine. She insists it’s not finished but I love it. I named the girl in the painting Clara. She might never be finished but I love her just the same. Maybe she is me. Perpetually unfinished. In my direct gaze is also my end table. My eyes go directly to the tag that is still hanging. It’s been 9 months but I might return it. No? Ok, the truth is I forgot the tag was there and I have long been committed to my cheap end tables. It’s not about tags or price, it’s about purpose. They are holding up my lamps and occasionally my water glass. Sometimes my phone. They have purpose.

It’s still raining. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the beauty of a blog. Stream of consciousness. My stream. And you have to read it because you can’t not. And you just got to the end and you’re realizing, there is no purpose to this post. You’re right. There isn’t. Except, that maybe there is.

Look up. Look around. Right now. Enjoy the moment.

Needs

Song of the day...circa 1999

All around me I see what weakness has made
Too much tomorrow I think I'll take all today
Am I a poison, am I a thorn in the side?
Am I a picture perfect subject tonight?

And I don't need nobody
And I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
And I don't need nobody
And I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

Here I slumber to awaken my daze
Some find convenience in this savior I save
Am I a prison, am I a source of dire news?
Am I a picture perfect reason for you?

I don't need nobody
And I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
I don't need nobody
And I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

And in this time of substitute
It's my needs I've answered to, all the while
And all the hope that I invest
Turns to signals of distress, all the while

I don't need nobody
And I don't need the weight of words to find a way
To crash on through
And I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth
Or doubt of faith to fall into

You're all I need
Yeah when the water runs deep
Yeah you're all I need
Now I cry my soul to sleep

You're all I need
You're all I need
You're all I need
You're all I need

"Needs"
Collective Soul